An Enduring, Healthy Marriage

Husband and Wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.

In September of 1976, President Spencer W. Kimball delivered the following statement at a devotional to Brigham Young University students, stating, 

"While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person."

All relationships can be difficult, just as marriage and life in general can be difficult. Many people think that once there is a few problems, those problems can't be fixed. I took a survey last year asking people what their family life was like. One of the questions that I asked was what their parents relationship was like. The results from the 155 people who completed my survey varied. Many people said their relationship was "Good", "Average", "Divorced", and "Alright". Some answers were more in depth of how these individuals viewed the relationships that their parents had with one another. One person said, "They were best friends. Not perfect, but they were there for each other." Another person said, "My parents love each other and despite occasional disagreements they are able to talk things out. They still love each other and they work hard to strengthen the family." These two people shared that their parents had a healthy marriage and relationship. One person shared "They were good at first, but they grew apart and eventually had a rather nasty divorce." This shows that not everyone can have a similar experience, and some marriages are rather healthy to begin with, but can turn cold over time.

My sister Katie and her husband Josh-March 2013

In the Successful Marriages and Families book, used in my Family class, we learn about some foundational processes for an enduring, healthy marriage. The first foundational process is a personal commitment to the marriage covenant. Elder Bruce C. Hafen clarified the nature of a covenant relationship by sharing the following: 

"When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent. But covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare, each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other."

I feel as though when a person makes a covenant with another person, they are expecting their relationship to last longer than at the drop of a hat. People should want their marriages to last longer than a fight. They should fight for their marriage more than most people do. 

Elder David A. Bednar described how Jesus Christ should be the focus in a marriage. He shares,

The Covenant Marriage Relationship-Elder David A. Bednar (2006)

"The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base in one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they steadily "Come unto Christ" and strive to be "perfected in Him" (Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together."

 There are three main marital processes that can help to nurture the commitment that we have in our covenant marriage. There needs to be an intentional personal dedication. To nurture their covenant commitments to one another and God, couples will wisely make a decision to be intentionally and personally dedicated to their marriage. This involves a commitment to sacrifice for and organize one's life around your spouse; it also means a willingness to change any and all behaviors and attitudes for the good of the relationship. This might involve learning to resolve differences in a more healthy way, overcoming tendencies toward impatient listening, moderating unrealistic expectations, spending an evening alone together each week, or resolving personal problems. It has been observed by marriage scholar Blaine Fowers that "...One of the basic ways for a person to have a good marriage is to be a good person."
Another marital process is exclusive cleaving and unity. The Lord declared in D&C 42:22 "Thou shalt love thy wife with all they thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." President Spencer W. Kimball taught:

My parents in Salt Lake City-April 2016

"The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband and wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."

The third process is to practice spiritual patterns. Couples who practice their faith together generally have less conflict, are more likely to reach a mutually satisfying resolution if there is conflict, and are more likely to remain committed to each other and the marriage when a conflict does occur. In 2002, President Kimball taught,

"When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste-mentally and physically-so that their whole thoughts and desires and loves are all centered in the one being, their companion, and both work together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle."

The second foundational process is Love and Friendship. True marital love emerges from profound friendship. We learn from Gottman and Silver, after they surveyed 25 years of research that "Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship...a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." Elder Marlin K. Jensen emphasized "...A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship." A few ideas for nurturing our love and friendship in marriage are: get in sync with your partner's love preferences, talk as friends, respond to bids mad for a connection, and set goals for some couple interaction.
Our third foundational process is to have positive interactions with one another. Positive emotions and feelings towards your spouse are vital and key to a healthy marriage. When negative emotions are occurring frequently and are allowed to deepen, they can threaten your marriage. President Gordon B. Hinkley stated the following:

"I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage... Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles."

Try the following activity, with your spouse, your partner, or your family.
Focus on positive qualities by making and sharing lists of the things they admire and appreciate about each other. These things can be personal traits (She's intelligent, witty), talents (he's a good listener), something you especially like about him or her (I love the way she laughs), a feature of your relationship that you like (I like how we seem to finish each others thoughts), or something positive your spouse has done (he rubbed my feet when I was tired). Doing this activity doesn't ignore the negative; it is an active decision to focus on the positive.
From the list you made, choose two or three qualities and rehearse them silently in your mind. Put them on an index card and in places where you can see them and think about them, such as on your car dashboard, in your front pocket or purse, or on your desk. Do this daily for up to two weeks. Rotate different qualities from the list and repeat the activity. This way couples can override the temptations to be negative toward one another. Couples who nurture their fondness and admiration for one another in this way are better able to accept each others flaws and weaknesses and prevent them from threatening their relationship. (Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.)

My cousin Ether and his wife Rebecca on their wedding day at Winter Quarters-2012

The fourth process is accepting influence from one's spouse. Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, "Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another." Under this process, there are two points that are focused upon. The first is sharing influence in all family affairs. A part of the recipe for a happy, healthy marriage (and a sturdy marriage foundation) is for both partners to share equal ownership and influence in all family affairs. The second is about ways to accept influence. We can accept influence by turning to our spouse for advice, being open to his or her ideas, listening to and considering his or her opinions, learning from our spouse, showing respect during disagreements, recognizing points we both agree on, compromising, showing trust in our spouse and being sensitive to his or her feelings.
Our fifth process is respectfully handling differences and solving problems. Some the skills needed to handle these differences that every couple will have and solving them together as a couple are as follows: prevention; eliminating destructive patterns; becoming calm; discussing issues softly, gently, and privately; making and accepting repair attempts; soothing one's self and each other and reaching a consensus.
The final process is continuing courtship through the years. President David O. McKay taught, "I should like to urge continued courtship, and apply this to grown people. Too many couples have come to the altar of marriage looking upon the marriage ceremony as the end of courtship instead of the beginning of an eternal courtship." President James E. Faust taught, In the enrichings of marriage, the big things are the little things. There must be constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. A couple must encourage and help each other grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine."
One last quote from Spencer W. Kimball. He taught that "many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy."