Procreation and Fertility

My sweet boy!!!

Having children is and can be a great joy in many people's lives. Many people have different questions about the things that they are dealing with-whether it is having kids or not being able to get pregnant. President Gordon B. Hinkley said "If you are married, you and your spouse should discuss your sacred responsibility to bring children into the world and nurture them in righteousness."
To start out, having children and babies is one of the biggest blessings and one of the best decisions a couple can make. Babies are a beautiful creation from our Father in Heaven. Deciding to have children with your spouse can be one of the most wonderful and joyous decisions to be made in a marriage. In The Church Handbook of Instructions, we are taught the following statement, "The decision as to how many children to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter." The word private is one that needs some discussion. When this decision is happening, it should be strictly between you, your spouse, and the Savior. In this sense, spouses should be careful in discussing these matters with others. Sometimes it is a temptation to discuss such matters more with a parent, sibling, or friend than with one's spouse. The principle in this is that family members should not pry, judge, nor interfere in a couple's decisions about the timing and the amount of children to be had.

My older brother Jacob with his son Oliver!

Elder Dallin H. Oaks counseled "How many children should a couple have? all they can care for! Of course, to care for children means more than simply giving them life. Children must be loved, nurtured, taught, fed, clothed, housed, and well started in their capacities to be good parents themselves." This is everything we need to be doing as parents, but we also have to do a little bit more than just these things.
Brother Homer Ellsworth, an LDS gynecologist, relates a Church president's experience of visiting his daughter, after her miscarriage. As a mother of eight children, in her forties, she asked him if she could stop having children now. He replied, "Don't ask me. That decision is between you, your husband, and your Father in Heaven." This father knows that he is a part of the important decision making process for his daughter and her husband.

From the very beginning of time, we have been commanded as children of God, to "be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it" (Genesis 1:28). Caring for and nurturing infants, toddlers, young children, and teenagers enables mothers and fathers to obtain greater "faith, hope, charity, and love" (D&C 4:5) as well as "virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, humility, [and] diligence" (D&C 4:6).
There are a few different reasons that fertility rates could be dropping: decreasing economic value of children, a fear of overpopulation, government pressure, remaining childless, and a much wider usage of contraceptive. Because of these different things that are causing fertility rates to drop, there are also the consequences of low fertility rates. There is a higher depopulation rate, which means that this generation won't have the same amount of young people to take care of the elderly. Another consequence is the amount of aging people. The older a person gets, the harder it can be to get pregnant.
There are pros and cons to every decision and having children is the exact same way. There are pros to having children, but there are also cons to having children. There are potential individual and familial consequences, that affect more than just one person or group of people. Some consequences for a couple who forego the stage of having children, or maybe even having children later in their marriage, may see the affects in the stability and the satisfaction in their marriage. Married couples who choose to be childless possibly may be more likely to separate and divorce when marital satisfaction wanes. There is an idea about people who "stay together for the sake of the children". This idea is often found to be true.

My little Princess Lena-my sisters daughter

The consequences that we can see in children who grow up without brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles, without nieces and nephews have a less than optimal environment for development. Children who have grown up without these relationships, often times find themselves without a richer context in social development. "Compared to parents with three children, parents with one child might not allow their child to take the reasonable risks associated with learning about the world." (Wattenberg, B. J. (2004). Fewer: How the new demography of depopulation will shape our future. Chicago: Ivan R. Dee.)
The individual consequences that we can see is that choosing to remain childless can affect adult development. Erik Erikson's middle adulthood (approximately ages 35-65) psychosocial development, the required developmental task is generativity, or making meaningful contribution to the next generation. Generally, this is achieved through bearing and raising children.
The choice is yours. You choose whether you have children. It is between a husband and a wife. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has some guidelines on using personal fertility control.
Remember to include your partner in your decisions, whether that is getting pregnant or waiting to have children.

An Enduring, Healthy Marriage

Husband and Wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.

In September of 1976, President Spencer W. Kimball delivered the following statement at a devotional to Brigham Young University students, stating, 

"While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person."

All relationships can be difficult, just as marriage and life in general can be difficult. Many people think that once there is a few problems, those problems can't be fixed. I took a survey last year asking people what their family life was like. One of the questions that I asked was what their parents relationship was like. The results from the 155 people who completed my survey varied. Many people said their relationship was "Good", "Average", "Divorced", and "Alright". Some answers were more in depth of how these individuals viewed the relationships that their parents had with one another. One person said, "They were best friends. Not perfect, but they were there for each other." Another person said, "My parents love each other and despite occasional disagreements they are able to talk things out. They still love each other and they work hard to strengthen the family." These two people shared that their parents had a healthy marriage and relationship. One person shared "They were good at first, but they grew apart and eventually had a rather nasty divorce." This shows that not everyone can have a similar experience, and some marriages are rather healthy to begin with, but can turn cold over time.

My sister Katie and her husband Josh-March 2013

In the Successful Marriages and Families book, used in my Family class, we learn about some foundational processes for an enduring, healthy marriage. The first foundational process is a personal commitment to the marriage covenant. Elder Bruce C. Hafen clarified the nature of a covenant relationship by sharing the following: 

"When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent. But covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare, each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other."

I feel as though when a person makes a covenant with another person, they are expecting their relationship to last longer than at the drop of a hat. People should want their marriages to last longer than a fight. They should fight for their marriage more than most people do. 

Elder David A. Bednar described how Jesus Christ should be the focus in a marriage. He shares,

The Covenant Marriage Relationship-Elder David A. Bednar (2006)

"The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base in one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they steadily "Come unto Christ" and strive to be "perfected in Him" (Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together."

 There are three main marital processes that can help to nurture the commitment that we have in our covenant marriage. There needs to be an intentional personal dedication. To nurture their covenant commitments to one another and God, couples will wisely make a decision to be intentionally and personally dedicated to their marriage. This involves a commitment to sacrifice for and organize one's life around your spouse; it also means a willingness to change any and all behaviors and attitudes for the good of the relationship. This might involve learning to resolve differences in a more healthy way, overcoming tendencies toward impatient listening, moderating unrealistic expectations, spending an evening alone together each week, or resolving personal problems. It has been observed by marriage scholar Blaine Fowers that "...One of the basic ways for a person to have a good marriage is to be a good person."
Another marital process is exclusive cleaving and unity. The Lord declared in D&C 42:22 "Thou shalt love thy wife with all they thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." President Spencer W. Kimball taught:

My parents in Salt Lake City-April 2016

"The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband and wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."

The third process is to practice spiritual patterns. Couples who practice their faith together generally have less conflict, are more likely to reach a mutually satisfying resolution if there is conflict, and are more likely to remain committed to each other and the marriage when a conflict does occur. In 2002, President Kimball taught,

"When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste-mentally and physically-so that their whole thoughts and desires and loves are all centered in the one being, their companion, and both work together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle."

The second foundational process is Love and Friendship. True marital love emerges from profound friendship. We learn from Gottman and Silver, after they surveyed 25 years of research that "Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship...a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." Elder Marlin K. Jensen emphasized "...A relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship." A few ideas for nurturing our love and friendship in marriage are: get in sync with your partner's love preferences, talk as friends, respond to bids mad for a connection, and set goals for some couple interaction.
Our third foundational process is to have positive interactions with one another. Positive emotions and feelings towards your spouse are vital and key to a healthy marriage. When negative emotions are occurring frequently and are allowed to deepen, they can threaten your marriage. President Gordon B. Hinkley stated the following:

"I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage... Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles."

Try the following activity, with your spouse, your partner, or your family.
Focus on positive qualities by making and sharing lists of the things they admire and appreciate about each other. These things can be personal traits (She's intelligent, witty), talents (he's a good listener), something you especially like about him or her (I love the way she laughs), a feature of your relationship that you like (I like how we seem to finish each others thoughts), or something positive your spouse has done (he rubbed my feet when I was tired). Doing this activity doesn't ignore the negative; it is an active decision to focus on the positive.
From the list you made, choose two or three qualities and rehearse them silently in your mind. Put them on an index card and in places where you can see them and think about them, such as on your car dashboard, in your front pocket or purse, or on your desk. Do this daily for up to two weeks. Rotate different qualities from the list and repeat the activity. This way couples can override the temptations to be negative toward one another. Couples who nurture their fondness and admiration for one another in this way are better able to accept each others flaws and weaknesses and prevent them from threatening their relationship. (Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.)

My cousin Ether and his wife Rebecca on their wedding day at Winter Quarters-2012

The fourth process is accepting influence from one's spouse. Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, "Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another." Under this process, there are two points that are focused upon. The first is sharing influence in all family affairs. A part of the recipe for a happy, healthy marriage (and a sturdy marriage foundation) is for both partners to share equal ownership and influence in all family affairs. The second is about ways to accept influence. We can accept influence by turning to our spouse for advice, being open to his or her ideas, listening to and considering his or her opinions, learning from our spouse, showing respect during disagreements, recognizing points we both agree on, compromising, showing trust in our spouse and being sensitive to his or her feelings.
Our fifth process is respectfully handling differences and solving problems. Some the skills needed to handle these differences that every couple will have and solving them together as a couple are as follows: prevention; eliminating destructive patterns; becoming calm; discussing issues softly, gently, and privately; making and accepting repair attempts; soothing one's self and each other and reaching a consensus.
The final process is continuing courtship through the years. President David O. McKay taught, "I should like to urge continued courtship, and apply this to grown people. Too many couples have come to the altar of marriage looking upon the marriage ceremony as the end of courtship instead of the beginning of an eternal courtship." President James E. Faust taught, In the enrichings of marriage, the big things are the little things. There must be constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. A couple must encourage and help each other grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine."
One last quote from Spencer W. Kimball. He taught that "many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy."

An Equal Partnership in Families Between Men and Women

Many people throughout the world wonder why women cannot be equal to men. In fact many people have been protesting and going to women's marches for several weeks. But has anybody ever tried to make it so that women and men felt like they were equals in their partnerships, or tried to teach them that we have all been equal from the beginning.
Equality is all to often used to mean an "identity"-that is, two equal things must be completely identical to one another. What two things are 100% alike? Nothing that I know of. We have been taught since we were little, that no two leaves or snowflakes, or people are exactly alike. Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality that is given by Lucifer, who is over passionate about everybody being "just like himself". (2 Nephi 2:27)

Joseph Smith and Emma Hale Smith are also two people who I think worked together as equal partners.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught "All of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole". In my Successful Marriages & Families book, it is shared about things that we believe to be true both here and in Zion about equality of men and women: equal in blessings; equal in power; intelligence, wisdom; dignity; respect; giving counsel; giving consent; agency; value; potential; authority; exalted fullness; virtue; spirituality; spiritual gifts; equal in temporal things in Zion; and equal heirs with Christ.
We learn from Elder Earl C. Tingey, a former member of the seventy, "You must not misunderstand what the Lord meant when Adam was told he was to have a helpmeet. A helpmeet is a companion suited to or equal to us. We walk side by side withe a helpmeet, not one before us or behind the other. A helpmeet results in an absolute equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Eve was to be equal to Adam as a husband and wife are to be equal to each other."

Adam & Eve

Many people don't understand how equal partnership and stewardship should go. Family stewardships should be understood in terms of their responsibilities-obligations to one's spouse, not power over one's spouse. "In some cultures, tradition places a man in a role to dominate, control, and regulate all family affairs. That is not the way of the Lord. In some places the wife is almost owned by her husband, as if she were another of his personal possessions. That is a cruel, mistaken vision of marriage encouraged by Lucifer that every priesthood holder must reject. It is founded on the false premise that a man is somehow superior to a woman. Nothing could be farther from the truth." (Richard G. Scott)
Many people believe many different things about how women and men are not equal, nor should they ever be. I don't understand why a person would believe that. We know that when we get married, we are getting married hopefully for the same reason. We shouldn't be getting married if there is another idea in our minds that will take us away from the path that Jesus Christ would have us be on.
In my own life, one couple that I see as treating people equally is my parents. My dad is so sweet and he loves my mom so much. You can see it when they interact with one another. There isn't anything that my dad can do or does, that he won't let my mom do. If she wants to do something, than he lets her. He wants her to be able to have any experience that she wants. But my mom is the same way. If my dad wants to do something, she lets him do it. They make decisions together and they work things out together.

My mom and dad in front of the Salt Lake Temple

What an Eternal Family Means to Me: The Plan of Salvation

First off, what is The Plan of Salvation? The Plan of Salvation is also known as God's plan of happiness. We learn about who we are, where we came from, and where we are going after this life. We learn more in depth about this special plan on the LDS website under The Plan of Salvation. We learn that God is our father, we lived with God before we came to this earth, earth life is a part of God's plan, Jesus Christ is the way back to living with God again, and we are able to live with God again after this life.

The Plan of Salvation

God is our loving father in heaven. He is perfect in His love, wisdom, care, and concern for us. He knows each of us on an individual level and he loves each of us individually-more than we can comprehend. He wants us to find our own happiness, but he hopes that the happiness we choose brings us back to Him. Do you know why he is our Father? He made us in His image. We look just like he does, making us His spirit children.
Before we came to this earth life, we lived with God in the pre-eart life with all of our spirit brothers and spirit sisters, and with our Mother in heaven. Many people don't know or have not thought about it, but we do have a mother in heaven. God gave each of us the gift of agency. We each made our first choice to follow His plan and come to this earth.

Earth life is an important part of God's plan for us. We came to earth and were born, forgetting our pre-earth life, meaning we live by faith, rather than by our memory of God. We were promised that we would be able to have His Spirit guide us and strengthen us, so each time that we feel the quiet comfort of His Spirit, we know that it is God showing us that he loves us and cares about us. While on this earth, it is up to us to make our own choices, and distinguish what is right and what is wrong. We can achieve happiness and become more like our Father in Heaven. God loves each of us and has provided a way for us to stay connected to Him through the power of prayer, reading our scriptures, and listening to the prophets counsel.
When we are following God's plan, we learn more about what He wants for each of us as His spirit children. Our life didn't start when we were born, it started long before that and it won't end when we die, because we keep living as spirits. Our lives have direction through our Father's plan and it helps us from wandering through our earthly lives, wondering about where we came from, we we are, and what we are going to work towards. Following this simple plan, we are promised "immortality and eternal life," or an unending happiness with God, and our families in heaven.
Being physically separated from our Father in Heaven, we are tempted by Satan, who just like we are, is a spirit son of our Heavenly Father. We can drift away from God and it can be difficult to not sin. Because God knew that we would sin, he knew that there had to be a Savior, a Redeemer to take the sins of the world. Jesus Christ is our way back to our Father in Heaven. In our pre-earth council, Jesus Christ volunteered to come to earth to be our Savior. When we believe in Jesus Christ, follow his teachings, and repent when we commit sins, His Atonement, or sacrifice, can wash us clean of our sins and make us worthy to return to God's presence. Because of Adam and Eve, we could feel death, but because of our Savior, Jesus Christ, we are able to overcome physical death. We can have perfected bodies and become like Christ and like our Father in Heaven when we do our part. We are simply not saved because we get baptized or because we simply say that we believe in Jesus Christ, but it is upon the works that we do upon this earth. Our good works not only prepares us for our lives in heaven, but it can bless us immensely in this earthly life as well. We learn in Doctrine & Covenants 137:9 that our judgement is not only about our works, but it is also what is in our hearts. "For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts." We also learn that "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also." (James 2:26) Knowing these things, we know that Jesus Christ is not only our spirit brother, but he is also our friend. He is our perfect example, our teacher, our advocate with the Father, and he is our Savior and Redeemer.

The Christus-taken in April 2016

Knowing that we came to this earth to grow, learn and be tested, we can make our own personal choices. We know that we can return to live with God again. It is all about choices and the choices that we make in this life will determine our next life. We can choose to stay on the straight and narrow, or we can choose to go off course, and not follow God's plan. One of the best parts of our Heavenly Father's plan is that all the happiness and satisfaction we get from learning new things and all the love we develop within our families will go with us to the next life. The next life will be similar to this life, without the pains and the trials that we may face on the earth. Contrary to many representations of heaven, we won't be sitting and floating in the clouds, gazing at God's face for the eternities. We have more opportunities for learning more, growing closer to our families, and being able to challenge ourselves to our highest potential. It is always sad, hard, and challenging to lose a loved one, at any age, but it is a blessing to know that their spirits live on past this life. After this life, our spirits go on to the next phase, just before judgement and eternal life. Those spirits who did not accept or were not taught the gospel of Jesus Christ, are able to learn and choose for themselves. Once the second coming happens, our bodies are perfected and our spirits reunite with our bodies. We will go through judgement, where God and Jesus Christ judge the things that we did and reward us according to the things that we did on this.

Salt Lake City Temple-take in April 2016

Knowing that someday, I will be able to have my own family, it means a lot to know that I will be able to be sealed for not only time (this life until death) but for all of eternity (what many people feel is the afterlife). Time and all of eternity is a long period of time. Many people don't understand why we would want not only time, but forever also. Being with family can be hard enough sometimes.
A story of a set of missionaries were being fed by a young man and his family in a different country. These two young elder started to share this glorious message of eternal families with this young family. When they talked about being sealed together as a family forever, the wife said "I can't stand my husband most of the time as it is. What makes you think I would be interested in being stuck with him for a longer period of time? More time than I already have to. One of us just has to die and that will be the end of us. I don't know if I actually want to be stuck with him longer."
Many people believe that marriage is just for the here and now, a simple commitment where it doesn't matter what happens. Many weddings take place every year with the following vows being shared, or vows that are very similar.
"I, (your name) take (their name), as my wedded partner, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."
Who wants to know that their relationship could be ended so easily. Who wants to know that they will never see their spouse, their children, or anyone else, all because they weren't married at the right place, or by someone holding the proper priesthood authority.We believe that we can receive an eternal family by being married in the temple which is a house of God, by a worthy priesthood leader who holds the sacred sealing keys. President Gordon B. Hinkley reiterated the doctrine concerning eternal marriages and families in 1995. "...The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally." Because of the Plan of Salvation, we really can have an eternal marriage and an eternal family.

My nephew Tommy, helping my Sister with putting flowers on family graves.

President Ezra Taft Benson also taught about the importance of temple marriages and the eternal and spiritual aspect it has on our lives. "The patriarchal order is an order of family government where a man and woman enter into a covenant with God-just as Adam and Eve-to be sealed for eternity, to have posterity, and to do the will and work of God throughout their mortality."
The blessings of a new life is just beyond this world. I can't express how much love I have for little babies and their first step towards living with their Father again. I enjoy having my sweet little niece and my amazing nephews around. I'm so excited for when my next nephew comes and I'm even more excited for the day that I can become a mom and help my own children on the path back to their Father in heaven.

I cannot wait for the happy and joyous reunion when I can see my loved ones again. I know that they are with their loved ones, they aren't in pain anymore, and they are able to be taught the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that our Father's plan is a plan full of justice and mercy. He is a loving Father, who wants what is best for His children.

>This is the last picture taken as a family on my dad's side of the family. In it are my parents-Eugene & Jennifer; my sister Katie-her husband Josh & their son Thomas; my brother Jacob; myself; my younger three brothers-David, Joe, & Sam; my Uncle James-his wife Jamie & their little boy Judah; my uncle Andrew-his wife, Tisha & their daughter Olivia; my uncle Richard & his wife Jessica; & my aunts Macheal & Linda
\/ At uncle James wedding: My grandmother Roberta; my uncle Larry; my dad Eugene; and my uncles James, Andrew, & Richard. My grandmother died a year later from colon cancer.